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stacy4272

We divorced after 14 years. It wasn't a horrible marriage compared to most. Finacially it was a nightmare to me. I loved my husband but, couldn't live like he wanted. He could actually buy a house, a semi (for work) without asking me. Not that I felt he needed my permission but, damn I thought we were in a relationship. Shouldn't these things be talked about before hand. With the house he did come to me and I said no not now in 1 year and you show me you can pay the regular bills and then you can get yet another rental (he had one already that wasn't profitable) but, he did it anyways. We had finacial troubles all along, he'd buy cars, trucks, motorcycles to fix and sell and not pay bills, well atleast till the shut off notice came. I hated it we talked about it, faught over it, I cried, we even went to councelling to help us with our marriage. Over the last 4 years things were really tough. We went to 3 different councelars over a 3-4 year period and when we went (to the last one) things got better. Shortly after we stopped things went back to normal. Also in the begining of the marriage he was an alcholic and didn't come home till 3 or 4 am without calling me. So none the less things have been difficult. I feel I did my best to handle it. I will say I was nowhere near an angel and I had a short affair (2 months) and broke it off and told my x husband that was in year 3. The last year I again I found myself in a situation of cheating again. I will say this time he caught me with him (kissing only and that's all I did). I have no problem admitting it's terribly wrong and not his fault it's mine. I have terrible guilt with each time. This second guy I couldn't let go of. I felt a special connection to and I got caught talking to him on the phone before the divorce was final when I promised I wouldn't ....again my wrong doing...I then really did quit talking to him till 2 months after I moved out. Now were in a deep relationship and I'm extremely happy with him. I hate it that I find myself crying over stupid stuff...I get that it hasn't been that long really and that I will cry at holidays and when we fight. I feel I left my marriage because I had to not by choice, though it was my choice to leave if that makes sense. When I see my x upset and crying or sometimes just looks so worn and hurt I cry because I know it's because of me.My x husband gets really mad cause he believes that the only reason I left is because of the other man and when he sees me upset he says you chose this road. As most partners do he says horrible things at times but, that is one I have the hardest time swallowing. I chose this road but, not by choice. When I cry over stuff I get mad at myself because I feel like I shouldn't be doing this I should be over it. I'm better than I have been but still gets me.So how much longer will I be like this?

CrackerJack

I estimate that you have at least 10 more yrs until you're normal again.

CookiePreston

Your feelings are complex. You said you went to counseling before. Now it's time for you to go to counseling for yourself. A professional will walk you through your feelings, your choices, the grieving/letting go, and the new resolutions. You owe it to yourself. With some guidance, you will enjoy your fresh start.

armywife

Its possible to view "divorce" as a death. People mourn over the loss of great memories shared, they mourn the death of a life they once knew. Whether there was more bad than good or vice verse...good had been in the equation at one point or you wouldn't have married. SO, of course, being upset over the loss of this man who you shared a decent length of time with is going to be very difficult to get over. And like mourning the death of a loved one, it can take years to get over. Everyone will deal with this differently. And for you, since it wasn't necessarily that you had fallen out of love with him...but the paths that you were both taking, it might be that much harder to get over this. Its wonderful that you did find another man that you can be happy with, and I hope he has great understanding that this might take some many years to get to the point at which you won't break down and cry over seemingly small events. Time does heal all wounds. Thats what you need. Time and understanding. Hang in there. Things can only get better. YOu have to believe this in order for it to happen. You also have to make sure that you do not get lost in your emotions either. At some point you will need to take a stand and say that you will not allow these feelings to bubble to the surface anymore. That will be a hard stage...but you can get here and you need strength to get there.

Charlie

Well, sounds like you didn't even give yourself time to grieve. You just jumped from one relationship right into another one. Makes me wonder if you have ever lived on your own. This would have helped, instead of relying on another person you would have learned more about yourself in the long run. What you are willing to put up with, what your likes and dislikes are, among the many other things you could have been doing or not doing. Yes you chose the road you wanted to go down, but now you need to except what you chose to do and move on. If you are still talking to your ex, I suggest that you set some boundaries. Kind of like the boundaries that you should have had while you were still married - not messing around with another person until the first marriage was over. You may be bothered by this for the rest of your life. However, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Yes, it may still be there and you may still get sad, but it will get easier as time goes on. Good Luck